Come 31 January 2017 I’d be a mother for exactly 3 years. 3 of the roughest years of my life. I’ve learnt so much, mostly that I’m capable of a lot more than I originally thought. I’ve also learnt that I’m pretty selfish, I knew this before but I didn’t know exactly how selfish I actually am.
My son’s birth was not an easy one. We both almost died and he was in hospital twice in his first month of life. The terror of almost losing him, not once, but twice before I even knew him changed my world. For the first time death seemed real to me. And the thought of bringing another life into this world who would have suffer like that kills me.
Every time he’s sick I feel guilty, could I have prevented it? Should I have taken him to the doctor sooner? Whenever I have to work late, guilt hits me again. When I sleep in, guilt. When I spend money on myself, guilt. When I go out for drinks, guilt.
I want to give him Everything I can, whenever and however I can. He deserves the best. I don’t think I can manage to bring another baby into this world. And my husband wants another child more than anything. That’s another thing I feel guilty about, that I don’t want to give him what he wants.
And it’s not only because I can’t bear to see another baby screaming in pain at the hospital when he’s only an hour old. No, it’s because I don’t think we can afford another child. I’d like to buy a home of our own, another car, send my son to a good school, take him on holidays. Another baby will set us back financially and I’m tired of scrounging and scraping by. I’m tired of my family buying my son the ‘expensive gifts’ because I can’t afford to. Selfish.
And the ironic part is that I long for a little girl myself. I’d like nothing better than to cradle another little bundle in my arms. But there are too many risks involved so I just have to harden my heart, tuck away the maternal longings and thing logically because the son that I do have, that makes me laugh and smile and cry, he deserves more than cheap toys and a mediocre education.
I often wonder if I’m the only one who is going through this. All my friends seem so.. capable. They’ve got this parenting thing down. And what do I have? Guilt.