Today (and the whole weekend actually) I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. This picture pretty much sums up what I want to be doing right now! I miss my dad soooo much. It’s like a physical ache.
And I’m feeling incredibly unloved and petty and childish. For as long as I can remember it’s always been my dad and I against the world. And by ‘world’ I mean by two sisters and my mum. The 3 of them were a team and it was us against them. Now I’ve lost my only team member and biggest supporter. Where does that leave me? It’s now me against them. On my own.
I feel like the 3 of them still have each other and they have a connection with each other that I’ll never have, that I’ll never understand. I’m the outsider looking in. It’s hard and it makes me want to cry. How do you forge a bond after 31 years? And I know that they love me and they probably don’t know how I’m feeling but that doesn’t help, there’s no place for me. Is this how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life?
I’m lonely, not a feeling I particularly enjoy or one that I’m used to. And ironically enough all I want to do is be away from them. I don’t want to see them and or be near them. I almost want to punish them, I know, it makes no sense because I’m just punishing myself. Maybe I just want some attention? I dunno, whatever it is I don’t like it and I feel the loss of my dad even more.