Ups and Downs

Eventually his eyes opened two days later and the day after that they took out the ventilator. It was a relief to see him out of those horrible pipes and to have him breathe on his own. He smiled at me when I went to see him and he managed to talk to us. He was slurring quite a bit so we didn’t always understand him but we took what we could get.

Everyday I’d record a message from Stitch and play it for him and he would light up. Every visit was painful but I knew I regret not seeing him. He kept us asking us when we’d be taking him home and he desperately wanted to smoke. He also wanted to eat but we weren’t allowed to feed him, he wasn’t even allowed water. My heart broke whenever he’d ask for these things and I felt so helpless.

Throughout all of this I still had some hope, up until the point that his kidneys started failing. He had to go on dialysis and I knew that that was the turning point for him. With his liver not function and now his kidneys failing his body would not be able to cope.

On the Saturday night I saw him and new that he wasn’t going to make it. He was in a lot of pain and he was incredibly uncomfortable. He was barely coherent and we could not understand anything he said. I prayed even harder that night. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed that he would be put out of his misery, I prayed that his end would be painless, I prayed that he would be taken to a good place, I prayed that I could forgive him for putting us all through this and then I prayed that he would never how I felt in the last few days.

The doctor told us that it would be best if we called all the family to come and see him, just in case. My aunt flew over from India and he recognised her at least. In those last few days however, he had eyes only for my mum. He was happy as long as she was next to him. If she moved from his side he’d get agitated and his eyes followed her every movement. He kept reassuring her that she’d be ok and he asked her to forgive him for anything that he done to her and us. In those ways we all could see how much he loved her and I think that she’ll remember that for the rest of her life. The fact that in his last days he took comfort only from her.

He started talking about his funeral around this time. He kept giving us instructions and telling us what we needed to do and who we would have to contact. I should have taken him more seriously.


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