I have a very vivid memory of my mother crying when I was younger. I was playing outside and I walked in and asked for a glass of juice. She was mopping but stopped and poured me the some which I then proceed to slosh all over the floor. She had been in a very irritable mood all day and I had already realised it was best to stay out of her way! I cringed at the look on her face when she saw the now messy tiles and was prepared for a tirade. But instead she stared at me for a few seconds, scrunched up her face and then hurried out of the room. A few minutes later I peeped in on her and she was on the bed crying. Her face was red and she was actually snivelling. Even at that age I knew it was something she didn’t want me to see so I went off and pretended not to see her. A little while later she called me in for some or other reason and was incredibly scared, I had no idea what to expect. To my surprise she was back to her old self, she was back to being my ‘safe’ mother.
Thinking about it now I wonder at my innocence at the time. She was obviously experiencing some sort of emotional storm at the time and my juice accident was the last straw. Something that she would normally not have reacted to sparked an extreme reaction. I think she was very close to giving me the scolding of my life but decided to have a cry instead and that little emotional outburst made her feel better.
Today I had my own little ’emotional outburst’ at work, no less! My boss and I had words, something that is very common between us but today it was that one thing that pushed me over the edge. I was so closing to crossing that professional line, I almost screamed at him. Lucky I caught myself in time, I took a deep breathe and walked out of the room. I went straight to the bathroom where I then proceeded to have a good 10 minute sob. I don’t usually cry, well not anymore anyway, so I was feeling weird about it. It was almost awkward except I’m not sure if you can make yourself awkward. Anyway, once I was done and had gotten rid of all the evidence of my weak moment I felt ridiculously better.
I was more patient, not ready to walk out and resign at a moment’s notice! I was able to concentrate on my work and I was even able to stop envisioning my boss with my hands around his throat. So crying can actually be good sometimes. I suppose I need an outlet for all my negative feelings and that was one way out. I recognised that I was not in my usual frame of mind and that I needed to do something about it but I wasn’t sure what I actually needed to do. I’m glad it happened though, I feel so much better.
This is just a temporary fix though. I hate feeling so out of sorts and I wana be back in my happy place so thát’s my mission for this weekend. Tonight I will have a bottle of champagne (cos I love the stuff), in a hot bubble bath with a nice romance and then I’ll snuggle in bed. It’s raining pretty heavily so it’s the perfect weather for some indulgence. Tomorrow I’ve planned a really mini break at the river for some friends and family. We booked a chalet and we’re gona just relax around a fire and get away from everything for night. I’m hoping that come Sunday I’ll be feeling better. I can’t handle feeling so negative so I’m going to make a serious effort to pull myself towards myself!